Tag Archives: divorce

She’s Honest and True

I find myself continually amazed by the girl who was placed in my life about 8 1/2 years ago. She is honest and true. She is bright and creative. She is loving and kind. She has emotional intuition that blows my mind and I find myself blessed beyond measure that God would choose me to be this girl’s mother. I feel loved by His choice. Tears come to my eyes and a lump forms in my throat as I think of the abundant joy of my daughter.

I know, I know “wait until she’s a teenager” a lot of you parents who are reading this are saying. Ok. I’m sure the day will come when I’ll be pulling my hair out wondering what the hell to do with this kid who has her own opinion and makes her own stubborn choices, and so on and so on and so on. Ok. That day will come. Those teenage years will arrive and I’m sure I have no idea how it will be (comparable to those expectant parents who blissfully await their sweet little bundle of goodness, and those of us who know those sleepless nights smile and nod and think “oh just you wait”).

But this is what I know for now… I have an honest kid who tells me hard things. It’s not only my heart that has been through the wringer, but so has hers. Not only did her parents divorce, but her mom moved her 3 states away from everything she ever knew, to start a new life. This kid has told me some really hard things, with all of her heart, her guts and her tears. And you know what I hope? Is that when she hits those teenage years, that she’ll continue to tell me the hard things. That she’ll continue to be honest with me and with those around her. That she’ll continue to feel the unconditional love of God no matter what path she might take.

I’m currently sitting on an airplane flying home from NYC after my daughter has just spent the weekend with her father. I know it’s not easy for her to leave her dad. I absolutely respect how hard that must be. But I must say that I’m looking forward to getting back to the quiet that is what we now know as home. Gail picking us up from the airport, all of us heading back to work and school; and we move on. We move on. One more step into being an 8 1/2 year old in 3rd Grade. One more step into life together – real and raw, honest and true, being who we are and loving life for all its worth.

Thanksgiving is this week. I have a boatload of goodness for which to be thankful. God is good. My heart and my belly are at peace. Blessed beyond measure and grateful beyond words.

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Grace. Daily.

When a song begins to play and it takes you back in time to when you were young, naive and had fallen in love with the someone who you thought would be in your life forever… and you are stopped in your tracks… your heart stops. You can’t breathe for a moment. You can’t help but pause. You pause to remember that there was once this young girl who at one point in time wore rose colored glasses and lived in bliss.

This young girl grew up. She experienced life. Year after year small pieces of her rose colored glasses fell away and she one day realized that sometimes one has to live through the hard in order to experience the good. That sometimes your world has to be turned upside down in order for it to be made upright again.

I’ve distanced myself from the one who caused the hurt. I have moved on. Grace. Daily. Grace that holds me up when I just don’t know if I can walk another step. And then finally, when there are more sunny days than gray, I find myself walking with a content heart, in a life of peace. And now I know that even when the song plays I can still walk in strength alongside the One who pours it over me every single minute, hour and day of my life. Grace. Daily.

 

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And So It Unraveled

It all happened in the course of one small year – January 4, 2016 to January 7, 2017. However, that one year and three days was the complete unraveling of my married life. Something that had actually been falling apart for years, but I never had the strength, or felt that I actually had the right, to do anything about. For you see, I was a good kid from the Midwest who grew up in church and once I got married, I was supposed to stay married. You don’t change the game and mess with the path you always thought was given to you.

And then it happened, we grew apart. We grew apart so much that someone else became more important to him, and I fell to the wayside. My heart was crushed, but I was supposed to stay married. That was my path. But there was something inside of me that said, “You don’t have to be treated like this. You’re worth fighting for.” And it was January 4, 2016, when I stood up for myself for the very first time and said, “I don’t know where you’ve been, but I’m not comfortable with her, and I won’t be pushed aside again for your career and definitely not for her.” The deep unraveling began.

I look back at the past 9 years that we’ve lived here in New York City, and I look back at the 6 years we lived in Ohio and I look back at the 5 years we lived in Michigan – I can see much clearer now. I gave up a lot for nothing in return. I gave up desires of my heart for nothing in return. I kept fighting and grasping, but was never given what I needed. Was I loved to the level that I needed to be? I don’t believe so, but my God I loved with everything I had; and again, for nothing in return. I gave my time and effort, I moved to new places and worked and gave up motherhood all for someone else; I never received what I needed or wanted in return.

January 7, 2017, after months of heart ache and tears and fear of tearing my daughter’s world apart, I said enough was enough. There was a new path that I needed to take, and after 20 years of being married to a man who really never had my best interest in mind, I made the decision to be done. I was done being pushed aside. I was done being told that my desires weren’t important. I was done enabling someone to be everything he wanted to be and not getting anything in return. I was done living with an empty heart; a heart that had been giving for literally decades all to be told that I didn’t matter enough. Done.

Onward to a new path. So new. So scary. So refreshing. So confusing. Who am I? Who am I supposed to be? Am I really the person I always thought I was? What’s out there for me? Who will cross my path and who will love me for me? Twenty years is a long time to be with one person, being comfortable in your own skin. Now it’s a new ballgame. New path. Although scary, my heart hasn’t felt this much joy in years – literally years. Happy. Oppression gone. Empowered to be… to just be.

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