Still the desire to run with freedom;
to fly like a dove and be at rest.
Still the yearning to protect my heart
so I won’t have to feel more pain.

I’ve been asked to move on,
but there’s something in my step
that just won’t let me;
a pebble in my shoe that keeps
nagging at each step I take —
reminding me that there is not
yet resolution that I feel deep
inside needs to take place.

Still restless. Still unsettled.
I desire the calm that I can sense
is hovering, and I’m waiting
for it to settle in.


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There’s a Room

It’s called the war room. Not just a movie I watched, but also a place in my heart where I give to God the things I cannot fight against. I feel as though I’ve been fighting someone’s physical presence, yet all the while I’ve been fighting against things in the heavenlies. You see, his heart isn’t won over by a thing that I can see. His heart is won over by the one whom I cannot see but is the ruler of this earth and its dominion. The one who wants nothing more than to hold peoples’ hearts hostage from the One Truth who is the Giver of life abundant. So while I’ve been trying to fight the unseen ruler of hostage hearts, I have neglected to give the war over to the One who can win. The One who reigns over the heavenlies with His angels who are warriors who fight the good fight.

My war room needs to be filled with prayer, forgiveness, love, grace and mercy. My war room needs to be equipped with the gospel of peace, the belt of truth buckled around my waist, and the breastplate of righteousness in place. For the only way to battle the one who is fighting to keep David’s heart hostage in darkness, fear and worry, is to use weapons from the One who has already won the battle for my heart; the One who saved my life, the One who is the Lover of my soul.

The war room. It can be a place of brutal battle, but oh how I have seen the goodness that comes from sitting with the Giver of life and what battling in that room can do to someone’s heart. 

Thankful for a war room. Thankful that I don’t have to battle alone.

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A Wall

It’s a wall made of skeptical bricks.
Bricks that have been created
as mere protection of being hurt
over and over and over again.

A wall made to shield
from a force that is sly;
a force that is trying to penetrate
in order to form a peaceful front.

The builder can only trust the One
who really has her best interest at heart;
her interest because He loves
and truly wants her to heal.

What is the time period for this wall?
When does the wall come down?
Will it need to be in place for
days, months or even years?

The builder can only muster
so much strength in maintaining the wall.
Time will tell the builder when to let it go;
when to remove the wall until all the bricks are gone.

Until then, the wall will remain.
The bricks will be skeptical.
The builder will endure.
Protection is what the builder’s heart desires.


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I think that is…

When you’re not exactly sure what step to take but you feel a nudge that is steering you in the right direction… I think that is guidance.

When people give you common advice and it coincides with the step you feel you need to take… I think that is orchestration.

When you feel the step you’re supposed to take is “so out of your character” but you do it anyway because it really feels right… I think that is courage.

When making a move knowing that Someone’s got your back no matter what happens; that He’s sent people to walk along side you to make that move… I think that is faith.

After spending days and weeks and months asking for wisdom, and things begin to click… I think that is an answer.

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Appeasement vs. Trust

Spent this evening in a teaching at Xenos about Cain and Abel. Cain gave his crops, Abel gave the firstborn of his flock. I came away with this – Cain’s crops were appeasement, Abel’s firstborn calf was trust.

What does it look like to trust and give God everything I am? What does it look like to go all in with God? What does it look like to entrust to Him things I so badly want to control, but really have no control over them because I honestly don’t know what’s going to be thrown at me by people.

I’m living in a world of limbo right now in a relationship that I’ve been in for several years. Not sure what to do with it. I know what I want to do, but is that my desire to have control taking over, or is it something I’m really supposed to do? Am I just going through motions trying to appease Jesus, or am I really living in Him and trusting Him?

Super applicable teaching tonight. Makes me think. My thinking wheels are turning. What’s the next step I need to take? Do I take a hard step and deal with waves of confrontation that are sure to come crashing down, or do I just sit by and live in “peace.” If I take the step and endure the waves, I feel that means I’m trusting. If I sit by and live in “peace” I may not be doing what really needs to be done. Really, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.

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When you think you know someone
and all of a sudden in the blink of an eye
you find out that you don’t —
The heart break-
The deception-
The years you’ve spent caring
and then to find out that you’re no longer cared for —
I recently thought of this very phrase:
“This world is so full of brokenness.”
Lord Jesus, come!
And until You do
please bestow Your grace upon us
so that we can endure the roads that lie ahead.

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Ah, the Time to Reflect

The end of the year. It’s time to reflect. Not sure how not to make it the usual reflection. Hm, let’s see. Heck, I’m just going to write….

Graduation – one of the hardest things I ever did in my life was going back to school in the midst of having a kid, being married and working full time. But I did it. I did it! Would I do it again? I have honestly thought of going back to get another degree, but my family needs me more and for now I’ll gladly talk about old buildings and work to save them. 🙂

Loss – here are the tears. I lost a very, very dear friend in August, two days before my birthday. It was a bittersweet August this year. Memories from the last 10 years of friendship frequently pop into my thoughts. Softball, house church, OSU football, good beer, music, the list goes on and on. You called me sis. Good friendship. I miss you, Ron Olah.

David – celebrated 19 years this year. What? Where in the world did that go? We’ve grown in many ways. Laughs, tears, bumps, bruises, Ohio, NYC…  we live adventure. If we’re still together after 19 years with all the growth, adventure, bumps and bruises, then we must have something going. 😉  Love you, bud.

Mathilda – I don’t even know how to write words to describe the amazingness of this kid. Absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life… motherhood. But oh how amazing and rewarding. She moves me beyond words and I find myself forever thankful for her in my life. People call her my Mini Me and it’s a precious honor. She’s become my extension, my little buddy, my shopping friend, my fellow bubble tea lover, and a dear soul who lives life with every single ounce of her 4 1/2 year old being. May Jesus guide you, and may you find purpose and a very amazing path.

God – He’s extremely real to me. February of this year marked 10 years since my life changed. I was 30. My world had turned upside down and faith like I had growing up just wasn’t doing it for me. Instead, I came to the realization of a very real God (no matter who says I’m crazy), and I know for my own life – that even though life is tough, and very hard things happen and things may not make sense – I have actually had more joy in 10 years with Jesus playing a very real, loving, gracious, faithful role in my life than the 30 years before the day I came to the amazing knowledge of His saving grace. I am His and He is mine. That’s all there is to it. Bottom line.

And that’s 2015 in a blog of a nutshell. Onward to the unknown of 2016.

Happy New Year.

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