This is the chorus to a very old hymn that someone just brought to mind today:
I’m trying to get a grasp on things, but I find myself grasping for things that are falling out of my reach. I’m stuck in a job where my full potential is not used, and the people who have any say over my job could care less. They run their business, and that’s all that matters to them. People in this workplace could be totally miserable, and it wouldn’t matter. If our well-being does mean something to them, they have a very strange way of showing it.
I need out. How do I do this? I don’t know. I’m slowly making a plan and will exit when everything works out. When will this happen? I don’t know. I can’t even see my hand in front of my face because the proverbial fog is so thick.
And then I think of a scripture that says, “My ways are not your ways,” and I know that God loves me more than anything and wants nothing but the best for me. At this point in my life when the fog seems the thickest, and I can’t see what the next step is supposed to be, He’s so sweetly saying, “Hold on. I’ve got you. I’ve got this. I care for you. I want nothing but good things for you. I’m growing you. I’m stretching you and you will become the person you need to be. Just rest in me and find joy. Find joy in Me. Not in others who will undoubtedly fail you, but in Me.”
And while I write these words, I’m moved and pleased that I’m actually turning to these positive thoughts. Thankful that my heart has turned in that direction. However, something will happen tomorrow, and again I will feel unappreciated and used and will need to be reminded again that God’s got me.
The flesh and the Spirit wrestle continually. Thank God the Spirit has no intention of losing the daily battle within. For that I am thankful.
In honor of someone whose voice has won over several folks throughout decades, and whose kindness seems to emanate on screen and even in personal interviews – I write this blog post about her today. This lady was someone who was a very huge part of my childhood. She entered into my world when I was a mere 7 years old. On a Sunday in March for several years, I found myself in front of the television watching the classic musical that became my favorite of all time. It was the year 1988 when I saved up all of my babysitting money and bought this movie; a double VCR tape set. I watched it so much that it skips at the beginning and sounds awful; but oh, it’s such a treasure. My family endured many days as they would hear me practicing many of her songs with all of my heart (that part of my life helps me understand my daughter’s passion for performance today; and Jainie – thank you for enduring the most as you could hear me best on the other side of the wall in your room). From Broadway to love songs to Christmas music, I would come to memorize music that is still a part of my thoughts today. Although I no longer own a cassette player, I still own a 1987 cassette tape with some real gems on it. I’m playing her music on iTunes as I write this. I’ve been thrown back in time.
In my life, way back when, I treasured her as Maria, Mary, Eliza and even Gillian (opposite Jack Lemmon in an 80s movie that I watched so much that I’m sure if I had asked, the VCR rental store would have given that tape to me). People from my childhood, my undergrad days, and even Ohio days, know the significance of today. Julie Andrews, Happy 80th Birthday, dear lady. If you only knew the impact you made on the life of this kid from Indiana. You will always be a treasure.
Her name was Judy Frank. She would have been 70 years old today. She was taken much too soon from this earth in 1994, just a few months shy of her 48th birthday. She was my first grade teacher who I loved with all of my heart, and not just in 1st grade either. She held a place in my heart as I grew up through elementary school, into junior high and then into high school. I sat with her at high school football games when her son Kelly played on the team. I went back to visit her after I left elementary school, and called her on the phone, and sent her cards and letters and even made her one of my most intricate detailed cross-stitch pictures for Christmas in 1991.
I was a 19 year-old freshman in college when she passed. I had never before that time been dealt the blow of losing someone so dear to me. Sure, my grandfathers had passed by then, and they were dear because they were my grandfathers, but I was only 5 and 7 and life was still too much about me to realize the severity of their passing. But Mrs. Frank (the name I will always give to her) was the first time I ever realized how cruel the reality of mortality could be. She was someone I trusted very deeply and looked to for much guidance in my life. It’s hard to admit in writing that I looked to someone else for my guidance growing up, and not to the people who raised me. Childhood baggage.
After her passing, I learned what my parents truly meant to me. I often wonder if God took her from my life to help me see that the woman he placed on this earth as my mother was someone who really did love me more than she knew how to say. It took my growing up, and becoming a mother myself, to see the depth of love my own mother had, has and always will have for me – putting all childhood baggage behind me.
So happy birthday, Judy Frank. I could never express when I was a kid what you meant to me. You may have known by all the countless phone calls, letters and cards, but I never knew how to say why you meant so much. I think at the age of 41 I’m still trying to put into words. Thank you for who you were in my life. I look forward to our reunion one day when I see your face again when we see Jesus. Much love to you, friend.
About 10 years ago, I played soccer with a girl who said that a guy she worked with asked if she knew anyone who would want to play softball. I was totally up for it, and it was in May of 2005 that I walked onto a field to play ball with complete strangers, not knowing at all that these people would end up becoming some of the dearest friends in my life. It was that day that I met Ron Olah. A good guy. He played short stop. I got to eventually play opposite him at 2nd base. He would eventually one day call me “sis.”
I was invited to central teaching several weeks in a row, and I finally gave in and said I would attend. My first Sunday there I sat with the home church folks, and then sat with Ron and Sue on the deck out back, ate dinner from the grill, and we talked until the sun set. I remember that first Sunday as if it were yesterday. To this day, grill season at Xenos holds a dear place in my heart.
That summer, Ron and Sue even came to a soccer game and watched my team that sucked. But they were there, and they were kind. They were reaching out to me, and I think back and remember how thoughtful I thought they were.
I was invited several times to home church. It took until December of that year for me to decide I wanted to be vulnerable enough to attend home church. It was at their house. What a welcoming place. To this day, I love going back for home church at their house. I was there with Mathilda this past March. Home church at the Olah home will never be the same. It will still be so welcoming, but a hug from my brother when I walk through that door will forever be missed.
Ron was a good man. He loved Jesus with all of his heart and he tried to reach out to people in order to grow the Kingdom of God. He will be missed. I am more than thankful that I was given the privilege to be his friend, his softball teammate, a part of his home church, and a sister in the Body of Christ.
Ron, the news of your very unexpected passing today took my breath away, and completely removed the wind from my sails. Ron, I will miss you terribly. I already do.
Feeling unsettled. Feeling like I’m floating
in limbo without an answer.
Wanna leave the current place of residence
and live somewhere quieter
Finding it hard to focus on the
current day just wanting to look to the
future and be there right now.
But I must live each day
one day at a time
in order to experience each one
for all that it’s worth.
I can’t really put my feelings or thoughts into words, but I will do the best I can to put them on this proverbial paper.
Bernie Sanders. There’s something in my gut that tells me he’s the real thing. I can’t explain it, but there’s something about what he stands for that really makes me want to stand by him. He’s tired of the rich getting richer. He wants good things for education. He’s worried about the future of our environment (look at Vermont for Pete’s sake – beautiful). He’s a politician that seems to care about the “little people.” I want to do something for his campaign, but I freak out when it comes to knowing how to voice my opinion. I’ve never been good at voicing my opinion in politics. I can’t even voice it here on the computer where there is no one to argue with me. But I want to do something for his campaign. I want to do what Donna did for Josh on the West Wing. I want to walk into a campaign office and start answering the phone and just work for his campaign. I believe in the guy. I even contributed money to his campaign; that’s something I have never done in my whole voting life. Sure, I know the House can get in his way from doing what he really wants to do if/when he’s in office (that’s the reality of our system), but at least he really wants to try. There’s something so “granola” and natural about the guy compared to the rest of the crew that’s running the race.
I want to try to spread the word, but I’m not sure how to without getting into debate with people. People have to know about this guy. I attempted a post on Facebook this morning to at least put Bernie’s name out there. I know that many people from my past may completely disagree with me, and that makes me sad. This guy is so worth reading about and actually giving him a chance, but they’ll chalk it up to him being a democrat, and that will be the blinders they put into place and never give him a second thought. Come on, people! What about standing beside a guy who actually might stand for you? Someone who stands for someone other than himself.
So, those are my two cents for now.